Decisions

Note: I debated about publishing this because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but then I've been told that blogging is a way of "journaling" and putting your thoughts and feelings into words. Well, these are my thoughts and feelings and right or wrong, I'm just honestly expressing them. I hope no one takes what I say wrong.

Did you ever make a decision and even though in your heart you knew it was right, you begin in your head to question yourself? I've been doing that a bit since yesterday afternoon.

I KNOW my decision to move to Texas was the right thing, at least for me. I missed my grandkids so much, and felt I was missing out on all the milestones in their lives even though I was fortunate to be able to come here for both Ben and Ella's baptisms and to attend all 4 of their Blessings. Maybe that decision to move here was selfish of me, but Janie and Kyle seemed happy to have me come and be nearby.

At least that was the intent -- the "nearby" part of it. As in having my own place. Not living under their roof. I messed up with renting the house and that fell through, but I try to look at that as a blessing in disguise, because the "getting a job quickly" part of the plan has fallen through too.

And I think I screwed that up the other afternoon. The job thing I mean. I got a call from the people who set up the Hospice interview and they said the company wanted to offer me a home health position. I was taken off guard a little and didn't show the enthusiasm I should have, made a few comments I shouldn't have (like the fact that I was hoping for hospice, and that I was hesitant about field work & was kind of hoping for an admin type job) but I told them I would consider it. I asked where it was and they said Allen (good -- 15 minutes away) but they couldn't answer my questions of would I be the only RN, what "territory" would it actually cover, what was the case load. The guy got a little forceful (I think) when talking about salary -- asked me what I expected and I told him, then he said "well if you aren't going to take the job we're not going to spend time negotiating money". I can understand that -- it's his job to find people jobs and that's how he gets paid. But at the same time I am not going to agree to take a job when my questions aren't answered, and in addition no one has told me anything about benefits. I told him to let me know what they said and he said he would call back "in a half hour or so, stay by your phone". That was over 2 days ago and I still haven't had a call back. So I guess I blew it. Lesson learned, even if it was the hard way.

J&K both said that I shouldn't worry about finding my way around, that if I can navigate Danville, I can navigate out here because of the way things are "layed out in a grid" and are easy to find once you get that down pat. I probably won't have too much trouble -- I have already gone to interviews on my own and most of the time can find my way to the bank (occasionally going through Hokaphonia!) and WalMart, the post office, etc. And as they say, if I don't like the job I can always quit. Problem is, as I told Kyle, I have a hard time showing enthusiasm for a job I'm not sure I want, and besides I am not going to agree to something blindly without having more information about it. Maybe I don't have the right attitude. Maybe I should change it to "take a job, any job, and deal with it". I don't know.

So, my decision to be honest in answering questions has apparently not been the right one. And now they are stuck with me here for who knows how long before something else turns up and I can get my own place less "nearby" than under their roof. I know they are just trying to help and I love them for it, but I also know how I feel. And right now I am feeling like a pain in the _____ for them. I don't feel like I am "paying my way" at all, just living off their generosity, and that is REALLY bothering me. I'm sure they'd like things back the way they were before I moved in here. And again, being honest, I'd like my own place. But I don't know what else to do right now.

Every day I send out (online) at least 2 or 3 applications. I've even sent to some places twice. I thought it would be easier than this. "Nurses are ALWAYS in demand, you won't have any trouble at all getting a job with your experience." Right. Someone forgot to mention that they want YOUNG nurses with experience (I think that's an oxymoron!), not experienced nurses who are OLD.

I am not sure I'll publish this. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Janie told me today I am too nice, and although that sounds like a good thing, sometimes it's not. I'll have to think about it and read it again. I am pretty sure Janie is the only one who ever reads what I write, and I don't want her to think I am ungrateful for all she and Kyle are doing. I'm not. I'm just me. And right now I am feeling kind of stupid and wondering if I did make the right decision by coming here. Again, I know in my heart I did, but my head is making me doubt that decision.